I bawled my eyeballs out, when I discovered the big news.
I literally killed myself getting that lil rat out.
The nurse made a huge melodrama presenting this squiggly baby to me.
I set my eyes on you for the first time when they held you by a leg and whacked the life out of you. One cry and my life changed eternally. Nothing is gonna be the same ever again, even though those been-there, done-that wiseys keep saying, quite the opposite.
I obsessed over the unmentionables by you while I coolly polished off the entire table.
Time flew with Admissions, Alphabet, Arithmetic, Scratches, Fever, College, Heartaches becoming the topics of the day..
We have had some fantastic times, Sonny, managed to come through some terrible times and sticky situations by simply being there for each other. We chatted well into the night sharing each other’s dreams and fears but also fought with each other on trivial issues.
That life lived queen size moments for me was when you, my ‘Man-child’ said
“Mom, I like your company, you should more spend time with me. You are stronger and braver than Batman and Superman put together“
I know! I know!! You were just being hyperbolic but still,
What the hell! Made my day!!
Then you followed it up with this!
Hopeful Moi “Sonny, how do I look in this new T-Shirt?“
Loving You “Adnan Sami in John Abraham’s T-Shirt!”
How times have changed. Now each time You call Me, I use Net Banking and each time I call you Sonny, you use Call Dropping
I keep my phone, completely charged, next to me, in the night too (Radiation, emission, cancer be damned), lest I miss your call – the call that makes my day, makes me smile and shine like a 100 Watt bulb.
The call does come. Usually after midnight, after I’m zonked out to the world. Which I pick up without fail and I power up almost instantly.
I understand that loving you my child, also means letting you go! Only when I let go, will I let you grow
All I can do is to love you unconditionally and pray that your efforts at conquering life do not singe you or scar.
I pray that while you experiment, you also learn your lessons from failures (God Forbid).
We always will stand by You. You know that. .
I wish there was a button that could make my heart less emotional.
I am a mother till I’m boxed! No letting up then too, I’m promising ya
Hopefully my epitaph shall read
“And she (s)mothered us!”
I end with this post with a note I wrote to you on your Birthday
“I can never forget the first time I set my eyes on you – My Miracle !
I was dying of pain and your first cry revived me – God’s Miracle !!
You were a handful and you kept me on my toes
Your radiant smile always won over friends and foes
Have I seen 19 calendars already?
You are all grown up and all ready !
Waiting to conquer the whole wide world !!
But honey, it’s a Big Bad World !!!
How can i let you go so soon?
Darling, it’s all too soon!
I try and tell myself, “It’s time to cut the apron strings”
Let the values that we gave you, be the wind beneath your wings !
Go, Soar, Conquer! The world’s your stage !!
Surely and fondly, we celebrate your growth backstage!!!
Letter X is for me is always the XX chromosome –
My dear darling daughter.
You are a pocket sized dynamite.
A little rebellious, a little cantankerous, extremely kind, a hug machine, a little lazy but always the first one to pitch in. Very girly yet loves to lounge in Ts and Capris. Focussed yet flighty. Super sentimental but stoic.
You are a study in dichotomy indeed, sweets.
You came pretty much unannounced, preparing us already, that you are going to be very much your own person. As you grow into a confident young lady, I see a smattering of myself in you. Mothers can’t help that dearie 🙂
Your wisecracks make My day.
Like when I gleefully asked you, “Baby, how could you love silly old me so much?”
You looked at me for one whole minute, sizing me up and then calmly suggested.
“You are my MOM. It’s my job to love you!”
I should have just kept my mouth shut and enjoyed while the going was good…
I guess it was a left handed compliment when you said in all earnestness :
“Mom you are good cooker! But if we put too much pressure on you, you blow your whistle real hard!”
You always managed to make me stay grounded honey, with your pithy observations like when you intoned helpfully
“Papa, please don’t disturb mom, she is youngifying herself!” when I was tending to my mushrooming white strands
Or when you came to pick me up after a makeover session,
“Brother is sleeping on the sofa peacefully. After going home, you say Boo to him, and I will capture his look on the camera”
How can I forget the time when I was having serious blues and existential dilemmas, you hugged me tightly and soothingly said,
“Don’t go on that dangerous self pity trip mom. You figure tops in our list and we are proud that you always try.”
I love the dishes you churn out for us honey and I wait eagerly to hear those nineteen to a dozen things you have to tell me when you come back from school. Then horrible father time takes over and I go totally crazy. I hate that absolutely and I promise you, I’ll rectify that.
Why did you grow up so fast? How did the time fly by so very quickly?
It still feels like yesterday, when I held you, lil moppet in my hand, for the very first time totally mesmerized. A perfect pink rose bud 🙂
All these sweet memories, make me realize how much I cherish you.
Hence I undertake a vow that I am going to double the dosage of hugs and kisses even if you find that very very cheesy and clingy.
Motherhood has changed me so much. As I grow older and hopefully wiser, the earlier recalcitrant, rebel of yore, mellows down. And I slowly find myself morphing into my parents, dishing out the same gyan to you and eliciting the same rebellious response. Hopefully you will also go through the same circle of life –
Rebel, Experience, Mature, Mellow and Completely at Peace….
You have so much potential dearie.
Dream big. Soar high. Have Values. Keep Smiling
We are always there for you, standing by you.
But tonight, as a parent, I sleep easy at a job well done.
The woods are lovely dark n deep
I have miles to go before I weep or sleep
The slate will be smudged and coloured with revamped compositions
A long look at reflection with all its imperfections
But I have promises to keep, before I sleep
This post is about an early morning dream that I had a while ago.
It was so vivid that I haven’t forgotten it yet.
“It was one of the most difficult cars to navigate on the road.
A Mother-of-Pearl-White, gigantic Ambassador.
That too for a person like me, who did not know how to drive!
Against my volition, I was just thrust into the driver’s seat and asked to drive..
The controls were all wired terribly wrong.
A Bus-like Gear System, Clutch else where, an Accelerator in place of a Brake and adding to this chaos was the Incessant Blaring Traffic.
I was dying a thousand deaths already.
To my utter delight, I coped beautifully.
I drove slowly, avoided collisions and managed to park in a beautiful, lush green colony with happy faces and gambolling children.
I sat soaking in the atmosphere.
Alas, in a trifle, the dark night came in sharply. It was time to head back.
The evening traffic with it’s non-dipping lights, pitch darkness around and the T intersection ahead- All seemed impossible to overcome.
Suddenly I realized that I was in the rear passenger seat.
A Pristine-White Clad Man was in the driver’s seat.
He navigated with dexterity and cautioned me about an open rear door where my son was sitting and he could have fallen off.
As I sat transfixed, the White Clad Man shut the door for me and continued cruising.
I saw that there was a steering wheel, clutch, accelerator, brake, in front of me and I tried to use them to steer the car.
All along, I thought, it was I who did the driving but all I had, were the Dummy Controls!
It was all along He! And Him alone !!”
Dear God, Please be there for me.
Sita aka Vaidehi sat staring at her fb account.
The dailies were strewn around with all ads torn and crumpled. The deluge had just begun. The surfeit of red, chocolates and diamond discounts was nauseating her.
“Now everyone will status update with all those lovey dovey pics flaunting their VDay gifts. VDay! Uff! sounds more like a Venereal Disease. This hoopla is beginning to get to me. Need to head out. ASAP”
She then immediately created a whatsapp group “USlayGurrl” and started adding members-
Draupadi, Yashodhara, Rukhmini, Radha, Urmila and as an after thought Mandodari too.
They decided to head for a coffee soon.
But first Mani-Pedi sessions with a trendy haircut, had to be taken. They would be instagramming later all about their date. So they had to look dishy with picture perfect pouts in place.
After all the mandatory dressy issues and color codes were sorted, they settled into a no holds barred soul cleansing chatathon
Sita went first.. “Love Shove. Too much to bear. About this V-Day..”
Draupadi chipped in. “I haven’t yet decided with whom to go.. It’s actually the turn of twins this year! More like Buy One get One Free, but my heart is stuck on the Brave Archer. Brawny one is all into flexing muscles and dazzling skin show and Wise One is always pontificating. Kills the fun you know!”
Yashodhara(rolling her eyes): “At least you have options. Mine has gone off in search of spiritual salvation, a cure the world solution, leaving me all high and dry.. You know what I mean.. You see”
Rukmini took over “ Look I have seven more wives to contend with. I am fed up with that roll of dice thingy. Somehow Satya gets it in her favour! Always! Me thinks, she borrows the dice from Shaks Mama”
Radha butted in. “Gurrls stop whining. You are all legally wedded wives. I have to be happy with random stolen evenings if lucky then nights.. that is if these wives leave Him”
Sita: “What about my story huh? First of all, as soon as we were married, he decided to be noble and all, gave up the Gaddi, sauntered off to the jungle. I thought it would be nice to have him all to myself and I followed him. Loving bro had to play the spoil sport and tagged along. Then this Ra-One kidnapped me. Never had a moment’s peace”
Urmila: “Pipe down sister! The same loving bro put me to sleep for 14 years. So don’t you go calling muh husband names. Lemme finish first.”
Mandodari who had been silent till then gave an acidic smile “Why am I here? I lost everything thanks to you Sita.Yet I am walking. Don’t whine!”
Kunti and Gandhari are nearby, catching up on good old times..
As is the practice, they cannot help overhearing.
They quickly drag themselves and join in the party quite uninvited and start dishing out time tested gyaan.
Old habits die hard you see.
Kunti: “ I could mesmerize anyone I liked which I did too, but then settled to watch over kids when a moment of insane amour killed Hubby dearest. I had to bring up my Souten’s kids too. So you got it easy ladies! Stop complaining!”
Gandhari:” Well! I shut the world for him! Life long! And then sired 101 children!! Just Imagine! Could anyone of you top that?”
As they sat moping, with their chins dropping to the table, it hit them collectively.
They were super stupendous sirens and their happiness lay in their hands.
So Live it up, Love yourself..
Every day is a Valentine’s Day, a Love-all Day!
And the lissome lassies?
They marched out smartly to “What an idea Sirjee” playing in the background.
(Tongue firmly in cheek)
With Malice Towards None at all, 😉
Once upon a time, when I was younger ( Oh Hell! who am I trying to kid? everyone knows that was ages ago), I used to get pretty rattled when I was victimized by USA ( UnSolicited Advisors).
These USAs could expound forth about your non happening New Hair Style, your Wobbly Remnants of child bearing ( heck that event was years ago, but still!), your ‘Fashionistas-Will-Jump-The-Hill-Out-Of-Sheer-Agony’ Wardrobe or on anything that really doesn’t need an opinion. Talk about Killing with Kindness and Wisdom!
Thankfully years of marital experience have helped me to zero in on my Zen.
No thanks to all that ‘ You are never going to be this young ever’ or ‘You are your oldest today!’ Wala Gen that flood the Facebook and Whatsapp daily!
These esteemed victimizers could be
1)MIL ( She gave you your husband, tadwaara your baccha party, So her Sau Khoon Maaf)
2)FIL (He is suffering her already, so go easy on him)
3)Assorted general public (Not worth wasting your precious non regenerative brain cells on these types. We gotta take care of our Sexiest organ you know!
To counter these USAs I have developed a foolproof mechanism
1)While they drone, I with a blissed out look and occasion appropriate grunts plan out the menu of the day. Since I belong to EWS, I cook all the three meals, a herculean task in itself, considering the potpourri of cuisine cultures in my kitchen. My size is a testimony of what a foodie I am. USAs are kush and I am sorted
2)I could sometimes sort the International Affairs. Why didn’t Will-Kat extend the invitation to moi, to that 30 Second Nirvana Gala for Salivatingly, Servilely Stooping Stars? May be I am not Blingy enough. Or Why ask for Kohinoor back when we are inflicting a Modified stance on Tussands? See! this process expands mental horizons while you politely chop the USAs to pieces
3) I sometimes sort my fashion sense(?) “Listen these golden palazzos are passe. No matter how much you load up on glitz, it aint working. Surely it’s time to go for some neon orange zardosi topping it with purple organza” Another matter after this, they have banned my entry into Meena Bazar!
4) Since I dabble in writing and daily dispense my random rubbish on the unsuspecting public at large, I have vowed that I definitely do not have the right to remain silent and anything USAs say, can and will be used in my writings. Take That! (Thank You Sonny)
5) Try reciting the Greek alphabet backwards, figure out infinity, defy gravity, solve the black hole conundrum or reach out for the rosary!
There is a pitfall too. Doesn’t work always, you know.
On an idiotic moment, I happened to mention my code of conduct to Sonny. Now no longer happy with my periodic grunts and phased out look, he makes me repeat the entire story.
So there 😀
Use these at your discretion 🙂
USA, see I can Trump ya! 😉 😉
They brought me to grandmom’s house today, from school. They all looked sad, some were crying too. They ordered pizza for me. In the middle of the week! I could even drink Pepsi! I played video games the whole day and watched TV. Nobody stopped me. But by night, I got very tired and started missing mommy a lot. I cried for mommy. They said she isn’t feeling too well. Doctors are giving her medicines and injections. If I am a good boy eating my food, doing my homework well, then mommy will become healthy and come soon. Happy, I hugged lil sister and slept
Mommy never came back. I am super busy with school, classes, weekend activities. I see dad sometimes. He is always rushing out with sheets of print outs. He looks very sad and sometimes very angry. Grandma is with us now, taking care of us. She keeps muttering a lot. There are not enough pictures of you around here mommy. I know you are never coming back again but I miss you terribly especially at nights, because you always tucked me in. But I am so tired I doze off. I sometimes wake up at night screaming. I don’t hug sister and sleep now. She doesn’t remember you much but troubles me very much.
There is this raging anger inside me, that is threatening to erupt and destroy me. I cannot pinpoint why but I manage to just about control. Barely though. I hate this regimenting of my life. I snap at all and sundry. I wish dad could spend some time with me, asking me what I really need, what are my dreams, my goals or what do I love? Classes and more or those monthly budget shopping for those hideously dated clothes with Granny, who by the way has no clue how we next gen dress up, comprises of my happening social calendar. Even if I protest mildly, Granny starts one of her tear jerker dramas – “ I have given up my life to look after you ungrateful wretches. That devil chose the easy way out and left you both high and dry. I have to suffer now.” Dad doesn’t say anything to her instead gives me a dressing down. I can’t fathom how my sister tolerates Granny, let alone love her. At these moments, I could kill someone. Why did you leave us and go away mom? And that too in such a terrible fashion? It took me years to piece the puzzle from bits and scraps of taunts, threats and whispers
I am going away to the hostel to earn a professional degree. Sister has suddenly become silent. Though she never had much recollection of you mom, I was her weird anchor. Now she fears the impending horrible loneliness. I promise to be there for her. Always. I doubt if she believes that, but still eagerly nods. Heck she has to find her own escape. Dad is secretly relieved, I guess. One lesser problem for him to tackle. Easier to monitor me from afar and send money when needed. He did want to remarry, scouted around half-heartedly, in due course of time gave up the idea altogether, luckily for us. Fortunately Granny is bed ridden now but her motor mouth is still highly acidic. The maid and cook run the show.
I have been to the brink and back and just about managed to stay afloat. I have tasted all the supposedly forbidden fruits but haven’t gotten deeply addicted to any. I managed to scrape through my course and picked up one of menial left over offers. I flirt with fire, off and on. Nothing seems to soothe this gnawing ache inside. I run around in vain searching for my anchor. Will I be able to clean up my act, before I am singed completely? Sister has done alright. She would be leaving home soon for brighter prospects.
I am getting married soon Mama. Papa says I am stupid to do this harakiri with my life. Huh! speak of Living Dead! Harakiri is what you did with your life Mama and with us who were left behind. My Fiancee doesn’t fit Papa’s bill of a perfect daughter-in-law but she completes me, soothes me, stabilizes me. I strive to be a better person when I am with her. She is God sent and I don’t want lose her. I want to set up a home soon and have a daughter whom I can spoil silly and raise like a princess.
Granny is no more and Papa is a mere shadow of his former self. A Breathing Vegetable. Sister has moved in with me and she has turned out super fine. I was always by her side, just as I had promised.
Mom, they said you were too deep in pain, to be rational or to think about us, that the doctors did their best to help you and after a while the medicines, the counseling, nothing worked. What caused the pain? Was it Dad? Or? I have no answers yet but mom is it wrong for me to feel cheated?
Cheated of your love, cheated of my childhood, cheated of a loving household which every one else seemed to have. All I know mom, after you left suddenly without even proper goodbyes, it took a lot out of us to reach here and it was definitely not pretty. I always wonder if only you could think of us, may be even for a fleeting second, just may be, things might have turned out much much different. But that is something that I will never know.
It’s all the in the past now. Wherever you are now, I hope you found happiness Mom.
I finally found my peace and my moorings.
P.S. I Love you. Still. Very much. Take care