Once upon a time, when I was younger ( Oh Hell! who am I trying to kid? everyone knows that was ages ago), I used to get pretty rattled when I was victimized by USA ( UnSolicited Advisors).
These USAs could expound forth about your non happening New Hair Style, your Wobbly Remnants of child bearing ( heck that event was years ago, but still!), your ‘Fashionistas-Will-Jump-The-Hill-Out-Of-Sheer-Agony’ Wardrobe or on anything that really doesn’t need an opinion. Talk about Killing with Kindness and Wisdom!
Thankfully years of marital experience have helped me to zero in on my Zen.
No thanks to all that ‘ You are never going to be this young ever’ or ‘You are your oldest today!’ Wala Gen that flood the Facebook and Whatsapp daily!
These esteemed victimizers could be
1)MIL ( She gave you your husband, tadwaara your baccha party, So her Sau Khoon Maaf)
2)FIL (He is suffering her already, so go easy on him)
3)Assorted general public (Not worth wasting your precious non regenerative brain cells on these types. We gotta take care of our Sexiest organ you know!
To counter these USAs I have developed a foolproof mechanism
1)While they drone, I with a blissed out look and occasion appropriate grunts plan out the menu of the day. Since I belong to EWS, I cook all the three meals, a herculean task in itself, considering the potpourri of cuisine cultures in my kitchen. My size is a testimony of what a foodie I am. USAs are kush and I am sorted
2)I could sometimes sort the International Affairs. Why didn’t Will-Kat extend the invitation to moi, to that 30 Second Nirvana Gala for Salivatingly, Servilely Stooping Stars? May be I am not Blingy enough. Or Why ask for Kohinoor back when we are inflicting a Modified stance on Tussands? See! this process expands mental horizons while you politely chop the USAs to pieces
3) I sometimes sort my fashion sense(?) “Listen these golden palazzos are passe. No matter how much you load up on glitz, it aint working. Surely it’s time to go for some neon orange zardosi topping it with purple organza” Another matter after this, they have banned my entry into Meena Bazar!
4) Since I dabble in writing and daily dispense my random rubbish on the unsuspecting public at large, I have vowed that I definitely do not have the right to remain silent and anything USAs say, can and will be used in my writings. Take That! (Thank You Sonny)
5) Try reciting the Greek alphabet backwards, figure out infinity, defy gravity, solve the black hole conundrum or reach out for the rosary!
There is a pitfall too. Doesn’t work always, you know.
On an idiotic moment, I happened to mention my code of conduct to Sonny. Now no longer happy with my periodic grunts and phased out look, he makes me repeat the entire story.