It is that time of the year, yet again. The night before Holi.
As I watch the raging fire, I wonder about the three things that I would like burn this weekend.
My angst, my anger, my loss of faith! So the willful mind begins to meander.
On any given day, one will find me shuffling along, on the dirt tracks of Lodhi Gardens. Most often, I sit at the foot steps of the tomb, watching the artists work, hoping to find peace.
They say, the mausoleums bring solace to the searching and tired. But even here, I am restless. Nothing fills this terrible vacuum.
Eventually, I drag myself back to my place. I cannot even call that. Just empty brick walls which remind me of you every second and the laughter that once filled these spaces!
Mechanically, I finish the daily humdrum and go to work. I’m always the first to report and last to leave. I work till I drop. Someone reminds me it is time to eat. I nod and continue. One thing is for sure. Out of sheer ennui, even the polite and kind social graces have begun to dry up. Also I’m flagged out of most of the happening soirees.
How long can one try?
I come back to sleep only when I am barely able to stand.
These days, I use only the crowded public transport but I still feel all alone in the entire world. I want to scream my lungs out but the words don’t come out. Do you know how it is to feel lonesome in a crowd? That droning drowning sound of silence in your ears when there is babbling cacophony around?
It wasn’t always like this. I had you – my loving wife and our beautiful daughter. Our perfect family! We made just enough to let our lives bloom.
And then on one fine day, I decided to surprise you with a car on your birthday. You were ecstatic and the pure joy in your eyes made you all the more irresistible. I promised myself I would show you how I felt, later that night. But first we had to take the car for a spin. Daughter jumped into the backseat clapping and singing. You, my wife, sat next to me. You looked specially beautiful in your red sari. As I sped, I turned to take in your beauty, to give you a quick peck and BAMMM
I never saw the truck ramming into us. All I remember was the car spinning and my blackening out. And just like that, in a flash, everything was finished. I was left to bear the painful brunt. That has been my singular reference point of self-loathe!
I destroyed my ephemeral heaven with my own hands and created a permanent hell.
But for my momentary lapse of concentration, You would be there with me right now. Everyone says,”Stop blaming yourself. It was all destined. You cannot do anything about it.”
What do they know? Were they there in my seat?
The elders constantly deliberate marriage for me.
Don’t they know that the living dead have nothing to share or give.
Your love, my love, holds me hostage to the memories we have made. With all my willpower, I try to inhale. I barely breathe!
So I just bide my time. May be just maybe, I will find my miracle, my saviour!.
Till Then…It is my cross to bear!